Less Than. . . .No Soulmate

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Aug 182022
 

This one is hard for me as I met my husband almost 54 years ago and we’ve been married for 50 years the end of this month. I never planned for that, actually. I fully intended to be an old spinster with a long gray braid down my back in a shack on the beach. Didn’t happen that way. But if you feel less than because you haven’t found that perfect person or you found him/her several times and are single once more, read on.

History

The world teaches that we need to be paired up. Why? It seems like it’s always been that way. I think in the old days it was more for procreation than anything else. You were expected to find a mate and create the next generation. History is replete with famous couples. Tristan and Isolde. Edward III and Philippa of Hainault. (Can you tell who’s the history buff here? LOL) Moving to modern day. . . Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. And the list goes on. You’d actually be surprised at how many people have been married  50 years or more. Is it nice? Sure. Is it necessary? No.

Since the quote, unquote “sexual revolution” of the 1960s, things have been steadily changing. Women started coming into their own. They were getting better educations and better jobs. And with all that bra burning came the notion that maybe they didn’t need a man like they thought they did. Women got hit with the realization that they could be okay on their own. Same goes for same sex attractions. Many folks who are wired that way thought they were destined to be alone forever. Not in today’s world.

But I’m Lonely

I know. The need for human companionship is universal. Friends are nice. We all need them. Family gatherings can be nice. (Depends on your family LOL) But there seems to be a yearning for that one person that we can bare it all with. I’m talking your soul here, not your butt. I would venture a guess to say 98% of us have a soulmate-sized hole they are trying to fill.

I Failed; I’m Broken

I have many, many friends who are divorced. Hey, let’s be honest here. Shit happens. It happens a lot. And I don’t expect anybody to stay in an abusive relationship. In my not so humble opinion, once a relationship gets to that point your best bet is to get the hell out. If you did get out of this type of relationship you definitely have not failed. You may be broken, but you succeeded in saving yourself and, in many cases, your children. And I DO believe feelings change over time. Some folks just don’t feel the way they did when they made those vows oh so long ago.

Let’s be real here. Not everybody gets the right person on the first try. . . or the second, the third or. . . I met my husband young. I married him 4 years later. We’ve stayed together a long, long time, but was it easy? HELL NO! It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. And I know a few folks on fourth marriages who are finally happy. I say big congrats!!!!

You most likely didn’t fail and you’re certainly not broken if you’re alone. You’re just being cautious. Or maybe this works better for you.

So What Do I Do?

If you are single, I think the answer to that question is the mission statement of this blog, to become the best YOU you can right now! Make yourself happy. No, it won’t take the place of a significant other. It won’t automatically make you deleriously happy. But I feel it will do you good. And if Prince Charming DOES come along, you’ll be better able to recognize that fact and roll with it. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

If you’re damned and determined to find a mate, then work at it. Make lots of friendships. Get involved in a church if that’s your bent. Go to social events in your area. Ask your friends if they have any recommendations for you, like, “Hey, I know the perfect SO for you!!!!”

I’m hesitant to recommend online dating services as they have a lot of problems and inherent dangers. And I say this knowing probably at least 20 couples who met through these sites and have been deleriously happy for years. I’ll just say be careful.

And if you want to stay alone, pull a Nike and JUSST DO IT!!!! There’s nothing wrong with being your own household. Many people aren’t comfortable with themselves only, but many are. If you are one of those, don’t be pressured by society or parents into thinking you have to have a mate. You don’t. The choice should be up to YOU. If you want that soulmate, go find them. If you don’t, no problem.

BOTTOM LINE

You are not less than because you’re single. Stop waiting. If you want to buy a house and have the wherewithal to do it, GO BUY IT. Alone. Yes, you can. Buy yourself flowers. Take yourself to that movie you want to see or go with friends. If you want to take a vacation, go alone or go with a friend. Just be careful. Whatever you can do with a mate you can do without one. Just stop waiting. You are fine just the way you are.

YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!! (And if that means you are enough ALONE, so be it!!!! 💚)

Less Than. . . . Education

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Aug 152022
 

Years ago, I had a friend who was a plumber. She had had trouble getting a job and her plumbers’ local thought it would be fun to take on a girl. She found she was good at it. Worked her way through licensing and up the chain of command. Her family laughed at her, too. She was the only non-college grad in her family. She just didn’t think college was for her and she said she was sick of school at that point. So she went with plumbing.

That Was Then, This Is Now

Today she’s making $75-$100/hour plus. She still feels inferior. Why? Her family is still berating her for no degree. They don’t mention that a few of her degreed sibs are working in fast food and retail because they can’t find a job in their field. They point out at every chance they get that she has NO DEGREE, even when they’re asking her to loan them money for this, that and the other thing.

Lots of Degrees Out Of Work

I’ve read study after study about the thousands of degreed individuals who can’t find a job in our current economy. Even lawyers. People have either become much less litigious or there is simply a glut of lawyers out there. And becoming an attorney requires extra years of school. It’s not easy.

And even if you don’t choose the legal route, many these days find they can’t do anything with a Liberal Arts or English degree. And then take something like (my old fave) Archaeology. It’s very selective and there aren’t a lot of jobs.

So Why Not A Trade?

Right now, trades are where the money is. If you can take being a plumber or an electrician or carpenter and have a knack for it. . . why not? It’s damn good money. If you’re young, the locals all have training programs. These are good, union jobs, too. I know kids who barely passed high school, but are cleaning up because they had a knack for a trade and weren’t afraid to go for it.

A Ph.D. Does Not A Smart Peson Make

I used to work for a university, the very one where I got my own schooling. We used to sign the professors on their letters. . . B.S., M.S., Ph.D. We used to say it stood for Bullshit, More Shit, Piled High and Deep. Now there were many brilliant people with those initials. And there were also a lot of people who, if you weren’t told, you wouldn’t have thought they made it out of 8th grade. NO DEGREE MAKES YOU SMART. Yes, it teaches you things should you choose to learn. This is true. But it doesn’t make you able to handle life. I used to babysit a professor’s kids. He was a reknowned geologist. He was brilliant with rocks. Couldn’t figure how to match his own socks. So. . .

BOTTOM LINE

You need an income. In this day and age you need a heftier income than your parents did. A degree won’t necessarily let you make that income. It might, but there’s no guarantee. So get what you can and stop letting ANYONE make you feel guilty for no college. Hey, you’ll be the one spending your money on the things that mean something to you, NOT paying back student loans.

AND NEVER LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL LESS THAN FOR NOT BEING COLLEGE-EDUCATED!!!!

EPILOGUE: The Golden Rules of plumbing. . . .

(1) Shit rolls down hill.
(2) Water helps it along.

 

 

Less Than. . . .Aging

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Aug 082022
 

We all get old. It’s one of those things in life we simply can’t do anything about. So. . . why are you feeling bad about it? I can take a guess or two. Our society puts such a hard emphasis on YOUTH!!!! Girls turning 30 bemoan the loss of their youth. I’m like. . . HUH? Once many women hit 40, they feel they are done for. I wish I could change how they feel, but I can’t. Is this how YOU feel?

GLORIOUS 50

I was told I would never make my 50th birthday. It was the third time I was told to buy the plot and put my affairs in order. But guess what? I’m still here. I was released from the surgeon the night before my 50th birthday and I went around screaming, “I’M 50!!!!” at anyone who would listen. LOL And then, I think, they were ready to call the men in the little white coats. My 50s turned into the best decade of my life. I was stronger than I’ve ever been. I could move without (much) pain. I attempted things I’d never done before. I was rockin’ and rollin’ up until. . .

60 SUCKED

I turned 60. I swear, the Old Age Fairy smacked me hard upside my head with her wand. All of a sudden, I looked 10 years older and felt 20 years older. Things went downhill at a rapid pace. I had aches and pains in places I never knew I had places. My skin went south. It was like being dumped into old age without a parachute. I was totally miserable. What to do?

FIGHT BACK!

It wasn’t until the last year or two that I am finally coming into ME, the person I was meant to be. I’ll be 70 in a couple of months and I admit that’s making me sit up and take notice. People say, “When we’re older we’ll do this” or “When we’re old, we’ll do that.” Well, I’m OLD NOW. If I’m gonna do it, I better do it. If not now, when?

This is the first year. . . the FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 70 YEARS. . . I’ve dressed trendy. Oh, I always dressed nice even if all I had was one blouse and one skirt. But this year I’m hittin’ the trends. And guess what? I’m wearing crop tops, too. SHOCK, HORROR, GASP!!!! Yeah, there’s a bit of Jabba the Gut hanging out. Don’t like it? Look the other way. 😈

CAN’T CHANGE IT SO. . .

Enjoy it!!!! You have wisdom, you have knowledge, you have more kindness and compassion (at least I hope you do) than we see in the world today. Put it out there! Someone needs it. Smile even if they don’t smile back. Offer to help someone. Trust me when I say that will help you more. Volunteer. My Grandmom lived into her 90s. She used to volunteer at a nursing home helping to feed people younger than she was. She used to scream about it all the time, too, about the old farts who couldn’t feed themselves. But back she went. . . why? Because she knew they needed the help and she was fortunate not to. You are NOT less than because you are old. As Miss Clairol used to say. . . “We’re not getting older, we’re getting BETTER!!!!” Believe it. WHY?

Because it’s true. 😎

Less Than. . . .Family

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Aug 082022
 

What do you do when you don’t fit in with your family? I was born into a family of thin folks with stick straight hair. And here came this little chubbo with very curly hair. No problem. She’ll outgrow the fat stage by 3 or 4. Then we can work on that hair! We can wait it out. Then she’ll look just like the rest of us. Didn’t quite happen that way. And that set up a horrible family dynamic.

My Mom Was Delusional

I like to joke that I would have been the first switched-at-birth case if they did that way back when I was born. Except for one damning thing. . . my face was my Dad’s. If it were not for that resemblance, I swear they would have tried to give me away. There was no way he could deny me. In fact, another joke of mine to cover some of that hurt is that if he ever went to court and told the judge I wasn’t his, he would be arrested for murder as the judge would die laughing. But my Dad wasn’t the problem.

My Mom seemed to think she deserved to have beautiful blonde, light-eyed children. . . that was her mother’s coloring. But she had dark hair and eyes, as did her father and my father. Doesn’t bode well for making blonde, light-eyed kids unless you get some recessive genes whooping it up in the background. One of us has dark hair and dark eyes. I had dark auburn hair and medium-to-light brown eyes. . . . but they were still brown. Didn’t count. And let’s not forget about those curls that she dutifully tried to stick down at every turn.

A Hurt Kid

So here came my less than childhood. I knew my Mom didn’t like me much. She knew I knew it, too, and it made things awkward. As soon as she figured out I was gonna stay fat, she started dragging me to diet doctor after diet doctor. Obviously, none of it worked. Some of it may be throw-back genetics, but some it was the fact that when I figured out what was going on I sabotaged myself. Yep, I said myself. I thought I was hurting her, but. . . kids don’t think straight, especially when they’re eating cookies under the covers at night.

And Now A Damaged Teen

Somehow I managed to grow up. By my teens, I positively hated my looks and, therefore, myself. I starved myself in high school on a bet from a classmate. I won the money, but I got sick and I only stayed that small for a New York nanosecond. Luckily, I met a man who loved me for ME and not for my pants size. I never believed him. I mean, hey, you have to believe your mother, right? She would NEVER lie to you. But he stuck it out with me. It’ll be 50 years this month.

And Then A Damaged Adult

Did all of this color my perception of life? Oh, hell yeah. My Mom passed when I was 61 and I still believed her right up until she took her last breath. I was fat and ugly. My husband tried to tell me differently, but I believed her and not him. I’ve been fortunate in that something. . . I still don’t know what. . . started changing the way I saw myself. All of a sudden I could look in the mirror and not hate the face staring back at me. I’m still working on that, the total acceptance part. I’m doing a LOT better. Will I make it before the end? Film at 11. . .

Your Turn

This is my story. If you have a reason you don’t fit in with your family and/or they weren’t too kind about it, please talk about it in the comments or in a post. It helps to get it out. How do I know that? Been there/done that/bought many tear-stained shirts.

Last Word

It doesn’t have to be fat. It can be ANYTHING that makes you feel less than. Education, financial circumstances, appearance, marital status. . . . ANYTHING or ALL OF THEM. If you feel you fall into the LESS THAN category, please start working on it NOW. Why? Because. . .

You are enough. . . And you are enough RIGHT NOW!!!!

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