What Makes You Feel Like A Failure?

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Aug 132022
 

We all feel like failures every now and then. Some of us more than others. But why? We obviously don’t fail at everything we do, even if it’s something like cooking breakfast for ourselves and enjoying it. Win, right? Not necessarily. I’m going to give you some insight into my own failure feelings right here.

I Don’t Set Goals

Why? Because I have never achieved a damn one of them when I’ve finalized it by putting it on paper or computer screen. The minute I do this, I might as well toss the damn thing. I have no idea why. I’ll work towards it. I’ll really REALLY want it. But then I blow it. Self-sabotage? Maybe. Not giving myself enough time? Maybe. There could be a lot of reasons but now? I’m so petrified of setting a goal and failing once again that I won’t even try setting a new goal. This makes me feel like a failure.

I Give Up Too Easily On Too Many Things

I am a very dedicated person. . . in my head. But in practice? Different story. If something is hard for me, like working out, I’ll find a million and one ways not to do it for a very valid reason. I’m currently on an exercise program (dance & stationary bike) that I kinda sorta stick to, but it’s a first. I don’t think I’ve ever made it past 30 days on anything else in my life. I’ve had over 30 surgeries in my life and I’ve gotten sensitized to pain. If something hurts, that’s it. I stop. I could push through a lot of it, but I don’t. This makes me feel like a failure.

I Get Overwhelmed Too Easily

There are simply too many choices in today’s world. I want to go back to the vanilla, chocolate or strawberry days. I could handle that. But things today come at me too fast and too much. My head literally starts to spin. No, it’s not like “The Exorcist,” but it sure feels that at times. I could handle so much more in my younger days. Why can’t I now? Surely aging can’t take this away from you? Well, maybe a little. But my brain just stops and yells TILT if there are too many things to consider and handle. I should be able to do it. So why can’t I? This makes me feel like a failure.

It’s How I See Me

When I voice these things I often hear, “Hey Carla, that’s not you. You’re one of the most together people I know.” REALLY? Doesn’t look like that from where I sit. I wish I could see what you see. Most of the time, though. . . all I see is a failure.

Workin’ On It

I’m working on this. I’m trying to give myself more time and a little more space. More grace maybe. I had to be super woman for so many years that I think I’m judging myself by an outdated standard. I’m just learning about self-care at this advanced age. I’m learning that I’m worth it. I still don’t feel worth it many days. But I know I am. I just have to convince myself not to lose that feeling.

Your Turn

What makes you feel like a failure? Maybe we can share things and help each other out. I may be good at something you’re not and vice versa.

130 Failure Quotes About Getting Back Up (2022)

Why This Morning’s Image

 General, Thoughts  2 Responses »
Jul 092022
 

Welcome to This Morning’s Image! Why is this blog called This Morning’s Image? Let me explain and I’ll try to take it one step at a time.

 

A Little History

I didn’t have the best childhood. Let me say right up front that I was NOT physically or sexually abused. I know many were. But. . . I had a more unique problem. My mother didn’t like me. She just didn’t. She wasn’t a bad person, per se. She liked lots of people, but not her eldest child. Why? I wasn’t what she wanted is the only reason I can come up with. I looked like the wrong side of the family (my dad’s) and I had curly hair in a family of folks with stick straight hair who lived with a perm rod permanently installed. But worse than that, I was fat and did not lose my baby chubs before kindergarten. And it got worse from there. Can you guess that most of my family was slim? I joke that had it been possible back then, I would have been the first switched-at-birth legal case as they would have sworn I wasn’t theirs. Except for that little nasty problem that I looked just like my dad. 

So. . . she didn’t like me. I was always told I was fat, ugly and good for not much. Nobody would want me. Many different words, but she said them all. I knew she didn’t like me and she knew I knew it. It made for quite an awkward childhood. They tried putting me in dance classes, getting me into sports, half starving me. Guess what? I was still the roly-poly one. And once I figured out what was going on, sadly, I added to the problem. I spent my allowance on food which I ate under the covers at night. I was gonna show them! The only person who got more miserable from this was me.

Well, I made it through. My Grandmom was my biggest supporter although she hated that I was fat. She was a 4’8″ size 2 (maybe). Her idea of a diet was to not eat any desert in the week after Christmas and you would ditch the five pounds of cookies you gained. That’s how it worked for her and the rest of them. Didn’t work for me. When I was probably well into my 40s, Grandmom piped up one day with, “Do you think you’ll be normal once before I die?” I looked at her and shot back, “You better plan on living forever, you old bitch!” Yeah, shocking, I know. But Grandmom was a tiny bully and if you cowered under her withering words you were done for. My family was shocked that I would speak to her like that. She laughed so hard she almost broke her ribs. I was honestly blessed with a Grandmom for 51 years. She was my biggest supporter, even in a backhanded way.

And Then One Day

I had gotten married and my husband simply never cared about my weight. He still doesn’t and we will be married 50 years on August 31st. In our marriage I have been anywhere from 150 pounds to 350 pounds and I can honestly say his love never changed. Yes, I know I’m lucky in that respect. I’ve seen the Jerry Springer episodes about, “My wife weighs 104 pounds and she’s a fat cow!” 

I attended seminar after seminar back in the day, both for work and for personal edification. And one day, I heard a lady speaking about not waiting any longer. She said. . . and I am paraphrasing. . . “Most women are waiting. They are waiting until they lose weight. They are waiting for the right man. They are waiting to finish their education. They are waiting for one more child. They are always waiting. So until whatever aim is achieved, they don’t give a damn about themselves. They schlep from pillar to post not giving themselves any love.” And then she said the words that slammed me back into the chair. “No matter what you’re waiting for, you need to dress the body and make up the face that you woke up with this morning.” Thus, This Morning’s Image was born.

Not The Right Time Then

Well, I ran and bought the domain. I just knew I could teach women how to do this. Right. I couldn’t even teach myself. But wait. . . they were worthy of love. I wasn’t. So my approach wasn’t working and my initial enthusiasm went by the wayside. I let the domain name go. It was a distant memory. 


It IS The Right Time Now

Sadly, it took me until I was 61 and my mother passed to get hold of myself and shake a knot in ME. Slowly, I’ve been learning about self-love and the fact that I’m not fat, ugly and good for not much. Well, I’m still round, but. . . my current size 14-16 is just as worthy as any size 2-4. I am enough. And I am enough RIGHT DAMN NOW!!!!

Come Along For The Ride With Me

If you’re up for it, come along with me as I learn to love myself. My 70th birthday is fast approaching and I intend to be a whole person by then. No more self-hatred. I may never reach the heights of self-love that some folks have, but I’m gonna be running a close 2nd.  We can help each other. I found out that even skinny girls. . . you know, the kind society loves. . . hate themselves. I was in shock and I’m not being sarcastic. My warped brain figured all those “perfect” women experienced was lollipops and roses.

Now I know better. ANYONE and EVERYONE who has ever felt less than is welcome here. I will be bringing in some guests writing about being too skinny, too, and less than for many other reasons.

LET’S GO!

It’s time to start loving ourselves the way we should. And I’ll let you in on a little secret. If you don’t do this for yourself, nobody is gonna do it for you. 

Self-love. It’s where it’s at. And it’s for ALL of us, regardless of weight, marital status, education, living arrangements, you name it. 

IT’S FINALLY OUR TIME!!!!